When a Client Is in an Abusive Relationship: What Therapists Need to Know
A client describes a relationship that sounds dangerous. The partner controls where they go, who they see, and what they spend. There has been physical violence. Or there has not been physical violence but the psychological control is significant enough that the client has stopped trusting their own perceptions. They minimize it. They defend their partner. They are not sure it is “really” abuse.
And the therapist, faced with all of this, feels an urgency: they need to get out.
That urgency is understandable. It is also, in most cases, the wrong clinical direction — and sometimes a dangerous one.
Why leaving is not the intervention
Research on intimate partner violence consistently shows that the moment of separation is the most dangerous moment in an abusive relationship. Lethality risk increases significantly when a victim attempts to leave. A client who hears “you should leave” from a therapist and then tries to leave without adequate safety planning, support, and preparation may be at more risk than they were before the conversation.
Beyond safety, leaving is not simple. There are practical barriers — finances, children, housing, immigration status, shared business, pets. There are psychological barriers — trauma bonding, learned helplessness, intermittent reinforcement, the cycle of violence that includes periods of genuine love and remorse. And there are relational barriers — the client may love their partner, may be afraid of them, may be afraid for them.
The clinical goal is not to get the client to leave. The clinical goal is to support the client’s safety, build their capacity to assess the situation clearly, and respect their autonomy while holding the reality of the danger.
Holding ambivalence without pushing
Clients in abusive relationships are almost always ambivalent. They see the abuse clearly some of the time and minimize it other times. They know something is wrong and they believe their partner’s version of events. They want out and they do not want out.
Pushing against the ambivalence — advocating for leaving, expressing alarm about their choices, being visibly frustrated when they return to the partner — tends to push clients away from treatment at the moment they most need it. The therapeutic relationship may be the one place where clear-eyed support exists. Losing it is a significant cost.
“You don’t have to have this all figured out today. What would help you feel more clear?”
“It makes sense that you feel two ways about this. That’s not confusion — that’s an accurate response to a complicated situation.”
Safety planning
Safety planning is not the same as leaving planning. It is a collaborative conversation about what the client will do if the situation escalates — who they will call, where they will go, what they need to have ready. A client who is not planning to leave can still benefit from having a safety plan.
“I’m not asking you to decide anything right now. I just want to make sure that if things escalate, you have a plan for that moment. Can we think through that together?”
Safety planning conversations should involve the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) as a resource the client can contact on their own timeline.
What to do with mandatory reporting obligations
Adult victims of domestic violence are generally not subject to mandatory reporting (mandatory reporting applies to children, dependent adults, and elders). But if there are children in the home who are being exposed to violence, mandatory reporting obligations may be triggered. Know your jurisdiction’s specific requirements and address them clearly when they arise.
If you want clinical language for the full range of DV conversations — including safety planning, trauma bonding, the cycle of violence, and how to talk about children in the home — browse the therapist resources library.